you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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