Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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