I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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