Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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