u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
then he tried to convert me to islam
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
