i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
