People with herpes should wear stickers.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
