This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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