Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
