she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
