remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
