He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
