he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
