I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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