Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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