Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She's like a pop up book from hell.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
