My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
