Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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