Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just puked most of my soul out..
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
