Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I want a musical about memes.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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