Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
