Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
