someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
