Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
