The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
