Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
