We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
