I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
