I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
