Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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