I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
