Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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