my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
