Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
