im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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