The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
