Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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