Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
