what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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