i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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