My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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