He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
