having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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