i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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