No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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