I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
