if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
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I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
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I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i out mim tonsoeep
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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