I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
