I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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