I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
