I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
