dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
