I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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