You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize