Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
