I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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