Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
