I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
