can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
